Commission to introduce legislation to combat invading alien species

The Commission has decided to table draft legislation to combat invading alien species ("IAS").

"Of course, it's not an eventuality that we expect to occur, but as scientists uncover an increasing number of planets in the habitable, or "Goldilocks", zone of their solar systems, we must consider the possibility of intelligent life, including hostile extra-terrestrials," said a Commission spokesperson for the DG Home Affairs earlier today. "While we hope that any first contact will be peaceful, we cannot neglect our duty by failing to plan for the worst. Therefore in the third quarter of this year, the Commission will unveil its legislative proposal on invasive legislative species."

This proposal has been included in the Commission's work plan for the year (page 9, PDF).

"Naturally this is only part of our comprehensive policy towards extra-terrestrial life forms. We are currently drawing up border measures to deal with alien immigration and asylum claims, including prototype specialised finger - or appendage - scanners. We must bear in mind that despite the economic crisis, the EU remains the richest market in the Solar System, and therefore we need workable borders along with national integration plans. We're confident that our proposals will find a receptive audience in the Council and Parliament."

Despite this, the UK government has already signalled that it will not opt into any Schengen scheme on aliens, stating that the UK needed to patrol its own sovereign borders.

"In the event of first contact, we are able to immediately heighten controls on the Channel Tunnel," said a UK official. "However, we will consult politically with our European neighbours on this issue, and explore the possibility of clarifying the definition of "human" in the European Convention on Human Rights."

He added, "While deportation to the planet of origin might not be so economical based on our current rocket technology, we are currently working on a treaty with Jordan that may prove to be mutually benefical."


(Ok, so it's obviously about biodiversity and not alien aliens, but, hey, I missed out on April Fools).

Further dictionary explanations of European Integration

EU President (Noun):

another term used for the position of the President of the European Council, especially when the user wishes to denote the awe-inspiring power and importance of the post. Best described as a modern day Holy Roman Emperor, the office-holder is chosen by 27 electors: the heads of state and government of the European Union. Presiding over the European Council with an iron fist, President Van Rompuy demands regular fedual oaths of loyality, in ritualised meetings known euphemistically as "cosy fire-side chats". Van Rompuy owes his position to the influence of the Bilderberg group, which he won over during a improvised talent contest at the end of a conference, through his inspiring use of poetic forms, particularly that of the Haiku. Similar to the Holy Roman Empire, the President in turn owes fedual allegiance to the Pope in the Vatican.


Papacy/Holy See (Noun):

refering to the office of the bishop of Rome (the leader of the Catholic Church) and the headquarters of the Catholic Church in the Vatican, respectively. The Catholic Church has influenced the direction of European integration from the start, with the aim of reuniting Christendom and reversing the effects of the Reformation on its spiritual and temporal power. Those who highlight the Church's influence point to the frequent references to the Christian God in the Treaties and the Papacy's direct line with the EU President, who frequently ends his speaches with "God Bless Europe". Competition comes in the form of Whitehall, which constantly rigs elections across the EU to further its neo-liberal goals (See also: Anglo-Saxon/Neo-Liberal Project).


Bilderberg Group (Noun):

a group consisting of the political, economic and military elite of the world, concerned with influencing the course of government, including in the EU. They were the main backers of Herman Van Rompuy to the position of EU President. However, their influential position is under threat in Europe from a shadowy group known as the Buchgemeinschaft der schwaebische Hausfrauen, which has assured the influential positioning of people and families from Swabia (e.g. the Habsburgs or Hohenzollerns) as well as their allies. The Bilderberg Group has recently tried to counter the Buchgemeinschaft's influence by sabotaging the opinion poll ratings of their client German federal government.


"Brussels has decided" (Phrase):

a phrase used to denote that something has been decided by the Minister-President of the Brussels-Capitol region of Belgium on behalf of the entire European Union. The Minister-President of the Brussels-Capitol region has been empowered by certain enabling legislation to pass certain legislative proposals into law across the European Union ("ordonnances"). This is occasionally used as a legal method of bypassing subsidiarity requirements, since technically such decisions taken by the Minister-President were taken at a level lower than the European one. This method of governance also allows for reductions in the European civil service, as periodically demanded by some member states.

EUSSR (Noun)

EUSSR (Noun):

used as an alternative to the EU, usually as a means of depicting the European Union as a organisation that produces oppressive regulation, by drawing a comparison to the USSR, a communist dictatorship in Eastern Europe and Asia during the 20th Century. This is achieved by placing an "E" in front of the acronym "USSR". Users of this word tend to believe that EU regulations restrict trade and damage the European economy, as evidenced by the disappearance of Brie cheese from supermarkets across the European Union; Brie only being available to those with the requisite food tokens and correctly stamped forms in triplicate.

See also: Supreme Soviet (used to denote the predetermined nature of a decision that was already taken by another body; on occasion these bodies, or institutions, are believed to take decisions for each other); Eurocrat (a civil servant [or class of civil servant] working in the institutions of the European Union. By regulation, they may only work in sinister, darkened rooms on floors not less than 5 floors above ground level, preferably overlooking grandiose views of Brussels [smoke-filled rooms having been removed by the amending Council Decision 35/1998]); and Anglo-Saxon/Neo-Liberal Project [see below]


Anglo-Saxon/Neo-Liberal Project (Noun):

used as an alternative to the EU, although it is generally used as a description subsequent to the European Union's identification, usually as a means of depicting the European Union as a organisation that is bent on excessive deregulation that threaten workers' rights and the welfare state. Proponents of this view frequently cite the successful pressure to abolish the minimum wage in the member states that had won this right, and are generally supported by the American press in this regard, through long editorials on the lack of medical coverage for large sections of the European population.

"Anglo-Saxon" is generally used as part of this term when the user wishes to draw attention to denote the malign and ever-present influence of the British government in the European institutions, which has been successful in pursuing its agenda of deregulation in order that the City of London can reap the benefits of globalisation, at the expense of the social fabric of its own and other European countries. No other EU member states ever subscribe to the economic policies dreamt up in London, yet Whitehall has recently succeeded in rigging elections across Europe to ensure that the Council, Commission and European Parliament have a right-wing majority.


See also: Margin of Berlusconi (the margin of error within with a politician can survive politically, despite major gaffes, insults, and legal issues. Since the margin is sensitive to the political circumstances and the political capital [or media ownership] of the politican in question, the Margin of Berlusconi is notoriously volatile. However, some experts believe it is theoretically possible to survive within it for extended periods of time, though at serve risk to the subject's reputation and the dignity of those associated with him/her).

Nuns on the Run

Nuns have been in the news this week a surprising amount (though maybe I'm underestimating the news-worthiness of nuns, I don't know). It's been reported by the Guardian that there are nuns on the run in France, where two octogenarian nuns have gone into hiding after their religious order had decided to end their teaching roles and move them to a retirement home 400km away.

"A third nun, who had also planned to disobey an order for the first time in her life, is recovering in hospital after breaking her hip, Le Parisien reported on Sunday. [...] The two nuns are refusing to leave their home since 1964, and are hiding in an apartment lent to them by a Christian charity, the owner of the flat told the newspaper."

I wonder where they might have gotten the idea from...

Also in the news is a group of nuns in Avignon who have been signed a recording deal with Universal music for a new Gregorian chant album. These nuns live in a closed-off cloister, so they'll have to do a lot of the recording and picture-taking for promotional material as outsiders aren't allowed into their communities in order to prevent their spiritual work from being disturbed.

"The deal follows the worldwide success of the Cistercian Monks of Stift Heiligenkreuz whose 2008 Universal Music album, Chant: Music For Paradise, sold more than 1m copies. The monks have used the money made from their unexpected success to fund charitable works."

It just goes to show that reality TV shows aren't the only route to fame and an adventurous lifestyle. I wonder how long before we see a book release of "If I were a Spy" by Sister X...